Willful protector

It's taken me years, but I have finally found my name's meaning, rather than the meanings of whatever names it's deducted from. And more so than those names ever reflected me, it fits me. Like a glove.

Willful protector.

It may sound like it's describing Hallore, but really it's me.

It took a while to fully realise, but it turns out I can't even help protecting potential love-interests. Protect them from myself. Especially if I know they like me, but it's not really reciprocated.

A strange thing, looking back. Four's greatest worry was that he'd unintentionally hurt my feelings or pushed me too far, or something along that line. But I suppose my greatest worry was hurting his feelings instead.

I kept him at bay, because I was afraid of using him. I fought with him, trampled on his feelings with him, to make him see how horrible a match we'd be. I encouraged him to see other people, trying to get him to move on. Only now that it's worked, and he found a new girlfriend, do I see the full extent of what I was doing almost instinctively.

Don't let my shaming lack of romantic interest in Four fool you. I did this because I have feelings for him. It just wasn't that kind of feeling. In the end, I really just want him to be happy.

I have hurt a lot of people to save them a greater hurt. And I have hurt myself over and over again when I felt it might save others the trouble. Even now there are grand gestures I want to perform for Blondie, behind her back, and the only thing holding me back is the off-chance she'll find out and be hurt anyway.

And Bubbles. I was ready to throw her friendship down the drain just to try and stop her from hurting herself. It may not seem like much now, but it was a horrible thing to do to myself back then. I don't think I ever allowed myself to get so attached to her ever again.

Even Drow, a woman I hardly know and most certainly don't even like is now subject to a fully armed stalking session, renewed after a few months of silence. She hasn't talked to any of our group in over half a year. She abandoned us. She can rot in hell, for all I give a damn.

But not every member in our group feels the same way. I let her absense get to me, her ignoring, her coldness, because it gets to them. She controls us, even if she won't do it anymore. And sure, I'll be disappointed should she decide to destroy us, like she has the full power to do. But mostly I just want closure, so the others can put it behind them.

I protect. It's what I do.

People who keep 'protecting' others without being asked for help always annoy me. I consider them victims of the Protector-Syndrome. But there's a reason I got to name it. I'm the worst case you've seen in years. The only difference with the PS-sufferers I so despise is that I don't leave it out in the open. I quietly support, I work in the background, and I mostly just sacrifice my own needs to get the job done, rather than repeatedly offer to champion in their stead.

And my greatest worry is that, like normal PS-sufferers, my help just complicates things and makes it worse. I don't know what I'd do if my help was turned away forever.


Think on it,
Erane

P.S.: Maybe I should stop listening to the Fruit's Basket soundtrack. It's making me all sentimental.